They say the first year is hard
JUNE 14, 2014
People tell me that the first year will be especially hard: the first Mother’s day, the first summer, the first Thanksgiving, and the first Christmas. I’m not sure what the scale of hard is anymore, but I believe them.
Every time I do something that she would normally do with me, I feel sad and yet I want to continue experiencing all the things she loved to do. Family gatherings are such a mixed bag for me. I love to be with my family, and they understand so well what I am feeling, but her absence is so palpable. For Mother’s Day I skipped church. I just didn’t want to mourn her with so many people around. And, I wasn’t sure I could hold it together as people talking about their moms. I just wanted to get through the Mother’s Day cards and signs and gift kiosks.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I haven’t really thought about it, intentionally distracting myself from the day. My first birthday without her. For as long as I can remember my mom made birthdays special. She made us our favorite dinner and dessert. She did all she could do to ensure that it was our special day, even when we had so little. With six siblings it was often hard to feel singled out, but that is exactly what she did. Even as adults, birthdays have been an important part of our family. We still celebrate in person, and my mom was always central to the festivities. My plan is to just get through the day. I would like it pass without fanfare and without drawing much attention to itself. That is when it hurts the most: when I really think of her absence. I know she would want us to celebrate, and so we will.
We’ll get together and celebrate my birthday and Father’s Day. It’s hard to really celebrate anything right now. It feels a little false and strange to be celebrating when the mourning is still so fresh. I hope the balance will even out with time. I’m sure tomorrow will be a hard day for those who have lost their fathers. I never really thought about that before, and it wasn’t because I was callous...I simply had no idea about that kind of loss. For those of you who have experienced that pain, I’m so sorry. I’m taking the day off tomorrow. I plan to disconnect and enjoy the sunshine. I hope you all have a lovely day.